this post was submitted on 12 Jan 2024
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[–] [email protected] 92 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (27 children)

"What is my purpose?"

"You help people get cancer by lighting their cigarettes, cigars, and pipes and occasionally arsonists burning down orphanages."

"Oh my God."

[–] [email protected] 97 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (2 children)

People who light up candles: 😟

[–] [email protected] 75 points 8 months ago (4 children)

Birthdays don't exist. That's a myth made up by Big Cake to get people to buy more cake.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 8 months ago (3 children)

..you guys don't use long stick lighters to light birthday candles, so as to not burn yourself when lighting 30 of those sumbitches?

[–] [email protected] 21 points 8 months ago

Nah, I just use my Spaceballs The Flame Thrower, the kids love that one.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 8 months ago
[–] [email protected] 1 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago)

Rechargeable electric lighter, baybee!

Edit: Also 2 pack of 0-9 reusable cake toppers

[–] [email protected] 14 points 8 months ago

Really want a big cake now

[–] [email protected] 12 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (2 children)

I’m sorry but you’ve been fooled. It’s not big cake, it’s actually big candle. Big cake was just a decoy for big candle so people would focus their attention on an invisible enemy while they destroyed peoples lives from the shadows. Tell everyone.

I didn’t kill myself.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 8 months ago

Big cake was just a decoy for big candle so people would focus their attention on an invisible enemy

..where are you getting invisible cakes? πŸ€”

[–] [email protected] 5 points 8 months ago

Of course you didn't!

Falling out of the window was an accident.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 8 months ago
[–] [email protected] 1 points 8 months ago

Candles are actually bad for your home air and so are open wood fires, despite their romantic image. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jan/09/too-many-smelly-candles-heres-how-scents-impact-the-air-quality-in-your-home

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