this post was submitted on 09 Aug 2023
82 points (97.7% liked)
Asklemmy
43340 readers
2067 users here now
A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions
Search asklemmy ๐
If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!
- Open-ended question
- Not offensive: at this point, we do not have the bandwidth to moderate overtly political discussions. Assume best intent and be excellent to each other.
- Not regarding using or support for Lemmy: context, see the list of support communities and tools for finding communities below
- Not ad nauseam inducing: please make sure it is a question that would be new to most members
- An actual topic of discussion
Looking for support?
Looking for a community?
- Lemmyverse: community search
- sub.rehab: maps old subreddits to fediverse options, marks official as such
- [email protected]: a community for finding communities
~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_[email protected]~
founded 5 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
He didn't want to be with someone clingy but framed it as codependency, when in reality I was going through an anxious attachment phase because I didn't want to fuck it up. My incessant worrying was to blame but his lack of empathy made it worse. In the end I think I dodged a bullet because he was a functional alcoholic.
The number one thing I've heard from avoidant people is that perfectly human emotions, albeit perhaps unfitting for the situation, are "clingy" or "too much." They don't know how to ask for things like space and own their own needs. It's much easier to instead blame their inner turmoil and resistance on the relationship by singling out that one thing they think is wrong with it. That way they don't have to be vulnerable and admit they're imperfect too. I'm sure you might know all of this anyway, but just a reminder that it's okay and healthy to be a lil clingy and worried. Not your fault.
Thank you! Those are some very kind and validating words. ๐
Just curious, do you think your attachment anxiety was the result of how a prior relationship(s) ended? Because I suffer from it a bit now and I'm pretty sure that is a fairly big reason.
Definitely! I had such a streak of bad dates and relationships that I felt so traumatized. It made me so nervous while dating him that I was literally shaking when I felt that things weren't going right.
Funnily enough, two years later, now I feel the opposite. I don't really care about dating and I feel like I'd be the one detached. I just can't be bothered with giving so much for getting nothing in return anymore.
Well, you know they say, "The minute you stop looking...". Wish you the best of luck whether single or otherwise!