this post was submitted on 09 Sep 2023
87 points (89.9% liked)
Asklemmy
43340 readers
2067 users here now
A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions
If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!
- Open-ended question
- Not offensive: at this point, we do not have the bandwidth to moderate overtly political discussions. Assume best intent and be excellent to each other.
- Not regarding using or support for Lemmy: context, see the list of support communities and tools for finding communities below
- Not ad nauseam inducing: please make sure it is a question that would be new to most members
- An actual topic of discussion
Looking for support?
Looking for a community?
- Lemmyverse: community search
- sub.rehab: maps old subreddits to fediverse options, marks official as such
- [email protected]: a community for finding communities
~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_[email protected]~
founded 5 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
Honestly, no one deserves to be ghosted. You should apologize and explain that you weren't ready for that sort of relationship. Maybe they will understand, maybe won't. At the end of the day, you gave them closure though.
This is correct. I’m sure the woman has moved on at this point but she definitely remembers. A simple “sorry, ghosting you wasn’t right” will go a long way.
Not trying to start anything, but I find it interesting that you've made an assumption OP's talking about a woman. Reason it stood out to me out is that we're currently doing a lot of training at work about removing our unconscious biases.
Like I said, not trying to start something - just find it interesting.
OP refers to her as “she” in another comment.
Ah - didn't spot that. Cheers for pointing it out.
Yeah, I think you have to acknowledge it or they'll feel (at best) incredibly awkward the whole time. Don't make a big deal of it though - say you're "sorry you ghosted her and no-one deserves that. If she wants to talk about it then you're willing, but otherwise won't mention it again".
Really? Because I've had to do it for my own safety.
If you have a legitimate safety concern then I can't see ghosting stopping them. Telling them it's over and you've involved the local law enforcement might be better to force them to understand it's over.
Look at it this way, do you feel like someone is likely to keep bothering you if they think you are dating or if they've gotten closure?
Also remember you don't have to tell them in person. A text or such is not a great way to break it off but explain you are concerned for your safety.
That said I see it as an option depending on the history and past history. Not for people who you went on 2 dates with and was like eh, no, kind of creepy. Instead people who have proven they are a safety issue. People who have hit you before.
That said people asking if it's okay to ghost people aren't in safety situations. Those people aren't thinking of how awkward it will be at work.
Cops don't do jack shit where I live.
Sure. At this point for me law enforcement is different than cops. People like your friends can enforce the law.
That said this kind of misses the point and is a redirection. The point is to forcefully tell them it's over.
If you are going to have problems with a person then either way telling them it's over or ghosting them isn't going change their actions.
However ghosting a person who didn't have intention to harm you is going to confuse them and likely have them bother you more. Because you aren't giving them an idea of your intent. Specially for neurodivergent people.
I agree with parts of this, but don’t know how to put this delicately: this is a very reasonable opinion to hold if you aren’t in the position that most of your dating partners could relatively easily kill you.
I think ghosting should only be done in the case of safety concerns (in which case, I agree, you’re not thinking about work awkwardness), but waiting until someone’s hit you is suicidal. In the case of, let’s say, a 25 year old woman, she’s statistically likely to have been getting harassed in public for more than a decade, and likely has a good idea about when something feels off. It’s not reasonable to expect her to initiate a conversation that the other person might take as an attack if it feels like it’s not safe to do so. With unstable people, simply becoming less interesting to them, by responding less and less can be a safer way to end things than by provoking them.
Disclaimer: I’m not suggesting that only heterosexual men are violent in relationships and only heterosexual women are abused. I am saying that due to standard phenotypic differences, this type of violence is most likely to be catastrophic even in small doses. I’m a large woman (178 cm/5’10”), and taller than my fiancé, but when he cracks my back, for example, it’s very clear to me that he could squeeze me to death without too much trouble. My sister played rugby for a decade and did martial arts for several years, she’s strong as fuck. She used to wait a month or two to spar with her new male teammates, because an untrained but relatively fit man would generally be able to accidentally seriously injure her. This got way off topic, sorry.
TL;DR: waiting until a person has hit you is too long to wait when that one hit can be fatal