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Being expected to somehow lift my own bootstraps, and being treated as a burden for not being able to fix myself unassisted.
I've been trying to defend against a one- sided war with my ex for nearly two decades. I've watched my kids be emotionally abused, spiral horribly. Found out too late to do anything about it what was going on and how bad it was.
I've done everything I legally could to help them, but it didn't make much difference. I've given up everything I ever wanted to try to make up for the mistake of marrying that man. Now, I want nothing but death.
Every single day is an act of faith for me. I've wanted to beg God to grant me death, but I know I can't die until my youngest is 18. I have to hold on four more years, and then maybe my last wish will be granted.
That's horrible. A friend of mine went through this with his siblings too, so I recognize this problem very well. Are you in the US by any chance (and what state)?
Trying for a baby for two an a half years now without success. Started IVF but the first embryo transplant failed. We are lucky we are relatively young and healthy but it sucks that we can't conceive in a normal way (even though we don't know why) and we have a lot of embryo's still in the freezer. It sucks so much and everyone around me just have to look at each other and they're pregnant. I feel so strongly it's never going to happen for us.
I can understand, I’m not so young and my husband is even older, we don’t have a family, just each other so we wanted a child so much… but I have a chronic illness so I’m starting to think that it will never happen… and I’m angry and jealous of all the people who have kids “just because” or by accident!
Yes it's so hard and so unfair. So many people around me just accidentally get pregnant and I just can't be happy for them anymore. The worst part is no one can promise you it's going to be okay, they can't even give us the odds IVF will work for us.
I know this might sound cliché, but is adoption considerable? Not that it always is, I know sometimes a government makes you depend on agencies that hurt the act of adoption or that it's a wildcard or nothing is available, but as an aunt to foster children, I can say there is nothing that feels better.
That there is karma and mods on lemmy. The community should have full control and no mods. Karma should be banned as a way to enforce conformity and a highly toxic.
One idea I used to say on Reddit about karma is, instead of it being an upvote/downvote system, I would suggest a system like Newgrounds has where it's all specific moods, so people can distinguish between downvoting someone for malice versus downvoting someone for disagreement, etc. As for the mods, I think they can be good but there should be a system of ensuring if mods are being double-standard-ish or not.
I've been depressed as long as my memory goes back. It was less severe back then, but anyone that learned of it always gave me advice that I'd try and it wouldn't help, and then one day that advice made it worse.
The quintessential "go to the gym, it'll produce hormones that make it better.". On paper, it looked like a plan, in addition to my lifelong depression I have lifelong insomnia. Working out should exhaust me and make me tired, right?
Well, I committed for half a year. I changed up schedules but always was there no less than an hour (usually an hour and a half), and would focus on both cardio and strength training. Did I mention I was fat? Sorry, am fat.
One of the first things I noticed was no matter how hard I pushed myself it didn't help me sleep. In fact, it made me wired and gave me near constant sleep paralysis. My brain would be awake but my body? Exhausted. It also didn't help with my weight, despite dieting, but that was most likely just due to replacing far with muscle.
But nonetheless I pushed on. Until one day I was on elliptical and pushed my leg a little too.. far? I felt a pop and then immense pain. I managed to make it home without help. Cut forward a month and I've spent thousands of dollars on figuring it out. Turns out? Herniated disc. Which means it probably wasn't caused by the gym and merely triggered there.
My life transition from working out for half a year to physical therapy for half a year. I was miserable and in pain constantly. Finally, I had enough, there was no light at the end of the tunnel and some days I was bedridden from the pain - but being in bed didn't alleviate the pain.
I quit physical therapy, and within a week the pain was gone. I discovered that those basic exercises made the issue worse, and just stopping 99% of my physical activity erased the pain.
I floated for a year, slowly learning the new nuances of my life. I had sold my motorcycle ages ago because riding it put pressure on my spine. Couldn't play volleyball or other sports with family for the same reason.
Most days were fine, some days I'd "wake up on the wrong side of bed" and be in pain for the day. I developed type 2 diabetes and NAFLD. I got fired from my job for tardiness because I missed a few days due to the pain. Yes, I explained that. And me missing it has no impact on them either, just "set a bad example". Sure, I could probably have pursued something but when you're finding the motivation to get out of bed more difficult by the day, extracurricular stuff like that is a ways away.
Other stuff happened, I got a new job, fully remote (before COVID), my 3rd floor apartment flooded and my landlord tried to screw me over (fortunately my new boss is a lawyer and gave me great advice and confidence).
The back pain episodes are getting more frequent, a couple years ago I had a two week span of back pain so intense I would have killed myself, but I couldn't actually get into a position to try. Dragging myself to the toilet, and then up onto it, is not a confidence inducing experience.
All this started when I was 21. I'm 27 now and my health is getting worse. Found out I was ADHD (I think) which may have explained why I was depressed as a kid, but that ADHD is also drug resistant. Since moving after the flood I haven't been to my regular doctor appointments, nor eye doctor, nor dental. I have insurance and can afford the basics but the overwhelming thought of trying to identify a doctor close to me to fill each niche holds me back. My T2 diabetes has been untreated for years. I have property taxes due sometime later this year I won't be able to afford, I need to find contract work or something to earn a little extra income but I just want to shut down. I do my best to visit family and appear functional.
And this is before you compound all the other stuff going on IRL. War, undeniable climate change, plastic infiltrating everything, capitalism thinking everything. It's just exhausting, and sometimes I have to wonder - did I just end up in hell at some point and this is what it is? The day I finally die I'll start over, doomed to repeat this? I make it worse for myself by comparing my suffering to other's, invalidating my own suffering because others have it worse.
The best it seems I can do is find things to distract me. And work at my job I've considered my lifeline since I got it. But I'm tired. So very tired.
If good vibe hormones are an advertising point for any gym, I'd definitely be asking for a refund from them.
Its hard to put my feelings into text because my depression stems from all over the place.
A major fraction of my depression comes from my ex being toxic to me and my friends. She would ignore me most days when I would try to reach out to her and even when I was with her in person she would still ignore me this hurt me really bad because at the time I really missed her until I found out she was talking shit behind my back while I was away in Egypt and I only found out after the break up. During the relationship she would call me and come to the phone crying and would tell me her father and mother are fighting again, I would clam her down and comfort her and try to make her feel better, but sometimes I would come to the phone crying and feeling down and I was left in the dust by myself.
Every time we talk she would try to put me in my place and try to talk me down, I really didn't noticed she did that until after the relationship. The relationship ship was one sided and I would always try to make it better by reaching out to her and taking her on dates, but I feel used. And another thing after the break up she told the school that I was going to shoot it up and before I was called down to the principals's office I got a really weird text message from her
"Hey can you stop bring people into it your making it worse and not making anything better if you wanted something back you could’ve just texted me. If you don’t stop imma afraid I will have to report it" this was during lunch were my friend A was pissed off about the fact my ex said bad things to her about me, I don't remember what was said because I was at another table with the bois. When I was at the principals office he was really trying to watch his words, after my talk with the principal my ex's parents came into the office and I was like oh shit and the principal said hurry up, It was an oh shit moment then the principal shoves me into the library WHERE MY EX AND HER TOXIC FRIEND WAS. keep in mind during the relationship my ex is an adult and I'm still a minor.
Theres a lot more I could go into but for being a first relationship it tis a piece of shit. This is the main thing I wanted to get out, but theres more things I could type, but I'm tired.
I sincerely hope you find someone good. I admire that you're still willing to try your best as a human even when things uphill. People like that deserve the best.
Thanks man, I try to be the best I can and I hope you have a wonderful day
Right now I'm at a breaking point. I've been in therapy and medication which didn't helped and I stopped them. I've also tried to increase my meditation practice which is now abandoned. I over examine my life and my past mistakes and dwell on the self-sorrow of being the only responsible for my failures. I feel like I'm only providing for my family and everyone, although they love me, only interact with me according to their needs. My partner is really sweet and close but like for 30 minutes a day when they are in between professional matters. My child who is now an adult is on they're way to an independent life and only contacts me when they need some guidance or help (we're really close but on those terms). I try to maintain a healthy appearance for them so that I don't burden then. I want my child to be a healthy and happy adult. My parents came from poverty and I did the heavy-lifting for decades to bring us all to a more comfortable position, although they love me also they don't have any way to help me, lessen my burden or even understand what I'm going through since they have their own health issues now and they're not reflexive persons. I work a frustrating job which is kind of well paid and never got a chance to do what I love. I was raised as a coward and I've failed spectacularly to establish routines and habits which help me enjoy life. Right now I don't enjoy anything and the only thing that keeps me "in the game" is to know the amount of suffering my loss would represent to my family.
At some point I wanted to become a writer but with the passing of the years I felt my abilities to fade and nowadays I can't even maintain a blog without deleting everything I write because it sounds selfish, stupid and childish.
I still love to read and I workout regularly. The first is still a passion, the second an obligation. I'm almost 50.
As someone who writes myself, I would like to assure you that you can still become a writer. Some people write in (I guess this is what they're called) "writing bands", like rock bands but with writers instead of singers or guitarists. No writer is perfect, we all have periods of fluctuating writer's block, brain fog, depression, economic hardship, etc. and the idea of a writer's band is similar to a wolf pack; the writers share ideas and help feed each others' minds and sometimes share copyrights and then distribute the funds amongst themselves equally.
I wanna start by saying I'm not under it these days but I've been in the hole. ironically it's precisely the thing in your drawing. I have been well loved in my life, lots of friends - I'd even go so far as to say the hub. But over time, and finally me moving to a new city by myself after a divorce, I found myself utterly alone, but also invisible. I'd try so hard to reach out and make connections - and low key, I don't think weird. But it feels to me like people don't trust a middle aged single guy. Or it really is just me. and where I think I used to attract people to me - I'm not sure that I actively repel them - because I do have good passing interactions - I think they just don't remember me, or yeah that a single middle aged guy just doesn't fit in well. Like I'm invisible.
It's been about 10 years like this now. And I'm starting to get, I don't know used to it I guess. But it makes life feel so very long. If I'm roughly half way done, and the entire second half is gonna be like this. That feels like a long long time.
I read somewhere that it takes around 150 hours of interaction to generate that bond of friendship between men.
That seems both a small number and a very daunting one given how many people live relative isolation today. Someone might say, join a club and make friends, but if that number is right that's an hour long weekly meetup for three years.