About two weeks now, she broke it off cause I fucked up, I know I did.
a few months ago we had sex, it had been building and it was nice, but about a week or two after she said she didn't want anymore till marriage for religious reasons, which I understood as we both come from Christian backgrounds.
The problem came from my sexual frustration affecting my actions, I tried respecting her boundary but as we would cuddle a lot, I would get aroused and then frustrated with myself.
Two weeks prior to our breakup, I asked if she would let me relieve myself as I tried this the last time we hung out and was much more relaxed, but I didn't want to force her out of the room to do so
So I asked if she wanted to stay, she first said yes, which I knew was a lie, and I asked her again at which she said no and left the room
She came back a few minutes later and asked to go home, which I took her home feeling awful cause I knew I made her uncomfortable.
Other frustrations with family and financial that I didn't deal with caused me to act irrationally (generally just irritated) the subsequent weeks, she then broke it off and it took me awhile to realize all of what I had done, I knew I messed up that day, but that wasn't the only thing.
I should've changed my mindset and made her boundary my boundary, and reached out and talked about what was frustrating me instead of dancing around it, I feel awful and want to try and fix it, I miss her family deeply and all I want to do is have dinner with them, sit on the couch and watch a stupid movie.
I'm trying to do other things that make me happy but I'm finding it tough, tried working out but I lose energy quickly, games are feeling dull, my friends that I can still hangout with aren't available right now and won't be for months. I'm having trouble finding a job, and I'm considering joining the military, but I'm just tired, so so tired.
People say that it gets better with time, but I just feel like it's getting worse. Maybe it gets worse before it gets better but idk. She was my first relationship, but we've known each other for a long time, and I've known her family for just as long, and it feels like a lot of things I love are just gone now.
My own mother spewed said nonsense to me the day he was convicted, I died a lot inside