Asklemmy

Happened to me too. Best thing is going to therapy.

This might be caused by bigger problems with your family or work. Or it might just be accumulated stress unrelated to anything in particular.

Therapy helps either way

You kinda just have to stop giving a shit, which I guess is technically Mindfulness.

But I think I achieved it after a bad shroom trip when I had an epiphany that nothing in life matters, but it really doesn't have to matter.

12 Practical Steps for Learning to Go With the Flow

1. Realize that you can’t control everything
2. Become aware.
3. Breathe.
4. Get perspective.
5. Practice.
6. Baby steps.
7. Laugh.
8. Keep a journal.
9. Meditate.
10. Realize that you can’t control others.
11. Accept change and imperfection.
12. Enjoy life as a flow of change, chaos and beauty.

Some good advice I heard once is that you can’t change what happens to you but you can change how you react to it. Bad things will happen but how you react to those things makes such an impact. Reacting positively to negative things happening affects not only your mood, but also how you deal with those things. It takes time to shift to this style of thinking but it will definitely improve your way of life.

For me, it was pure philosophy. When I came to terms with how totally insignificant I and my world is in the grand scheme of the universe, something as simple as the dog tracking mud across the floor became less then inconsequential.

As an aside:

Meanwhile I'll get pissed that I didn't wipe their feet and be mad the entire time I'm cleaning it up.

This reads like someone who takes everything upon themselves and doesn't cut themselves enough slack. I don't know you and this is the tiniest snippet of your life experiences, so take my statement with a massive heaping of salt, but give yourself a break. You aren't super human, you aren't responsible for everyone and everything, and you will make mistakes. Holding yourself to an impossible standard is a common source of anger and unhappiness.

Subjectively speaking, every person I've met who I would describe as "angry" when discussing their personality (I'm a believer that some things are worth being mad about and choosing to be appropriately angry does not make you an angry person) is deeply unhappy with themselves. This is usually because, thanks to a combination of external influences like narcissistic friends/family, they never measure up to their distorted beliefs of how they "should" be. "Should" is a bad word. Thinking in terms of "should" is self-abusive and rarely helpful. "Will" and "next time" are fine. They're about learning. "Should" is nothing more than a way to internalize the things you've done wrong without focusing on how you'll learn from them.

Anyway, I could be way off, cause man I don't know you. But, some food for thought, anyway.

Proper sleep and exercise, yoga in particular, is what helps me. When I'm dead tired and my back hurts I'll get mad at everything too.

in my experience, the sooner you accept that life is terrible and full of pain and misery, the sooner you cease to be surprised by it being terrible and full of pain and misery.

tl;dr "this might as well happen, I guess"

I trained myself over years after realizing stress was killing me, I was unpredictable to be around, and struggled to eat with any regularity which led to really bad eating habits.

What ended up working is when something would happen that upset me I would close my eyes, take a deep breath, go to a room by myself and just sit down with my eyes closed and do box breathing until my nerves settled. Then when I opened my eyes I would say to myself, ok let’s go get this mud cleaned up.

Admittedly it doesn’t work in a car, crowded location, or even work necessarily. Over years my impulse control and roll with the punches attitude really developed. Maybe too much, when my ex wife said she wanted a divorce it was kind of just an “ok, do you want me to move out or did you plan to? I’ll see what paperwork we need to fill out “.

I enjoy life so much more though. My dog peed in the laundry room shortly after coming inside and I remember a time when I would have been incredulous about it. My response was to chuckle and say “oh buddy you know not to pee inside”, grap a swiffer and throw the pad in the load of wash I was starting.

Maybe I just got older, life experience and all that. I do think the separation from what happened and box breathing exercise really helped me in being able to put things into context and just let life be life though.

I pretend I’m in a zoo observing people, which I guess is called disassociation.

This sounds like you are stressed. In the particular example you give (I am a generally even tempered person, and having trouble with irritability today) I find exercise helps. Exhausting my body calms my mind.

If it's a situation where the irritability is telling you something, like you are stressed because you are doing too much and the rest of your family doing too little, you may need to communicate that to them, to be able to fix it.

I have this marvelous quote saved in my phone:

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”

• Marcus Aurelius

Age. After 40 years I realised it's not worth getting wound up about things. Every year I drop more and more 'baggage'. Life is a lot easier when you let things go.

Similarly, experience. I've survived suicide attempts, close calls, addictions, fights, sickness and death. My meds being lost by the pharmacy is pretty minor compared to the epic time travel battle I had against God last year during a meth psychosis that resulted in my arrest and court. Experience adds perspective.

Meditation and noticing emotions don't have to be acted upon. It's on top feel something. It's pointless trying to stop that feeling. What you can do is not act on that feeling. Raging at the idiot who pulled in front of you solves nothing.

Hanlon's Razor: "don't attribute to malice what can be explained by ignorance". The majority of times people 'wrong' you is due to ignorance. Not malice. One of the reasons why I find the obsession with labelling people "narcissist" a bit silly. They aren't, they're just wrapped up in their own bubble of problems. We all are.

Stoicism has many great lessons and quotes that are worth reflecting on over your lifetime. Let them percolate your soul and after many years you just become more stoic.

I'm on antidepressants and I smoke a shit ton of weed

The way you've phrased this sounds like this isn't just your default state throughout your life. Is there maybe a much larger stressor that's sapping your emotional energy and making your trigger shorter? If that's the case, resolving your feelings around that stressor would probably be most effective.

You could also just be exhausted or burnt out, at which point the only way you can actually make things better is by getting a proper break. Obviously some people's life circumstances don't really allow for that, so any small changes of getting help where you can is recommended.

I’ve found having a good psychotherapist to talk about all the things that are actually bothering me (that makes others uncomfortable) is the key. Usually it’s work or family related stress. All the little stuff isn’t really a bother, it’s just the ongoing last straw when there’s a pile of much more significant stuff underneath it being ignored.

edit: to clarify

psychotherapist = no drugs (in my experience) psychiatrist = may prescribe drugs

Both are valuable when appropriate. Sometimes you just need to talk things out with a neutral confidential 3rd party who recognizes the issues. Sometimes brain chemistry is a bitch.

Ask yourself if getting mad actually helps the situation. Is it going to get the problem solved any quicker? Does it make you feel any better? No? Then what's the point of it?

Are you getting enough sleep and nutritious food? It's critical to have the basics covered.

We have zero control over the first thought that comes to mind, so don't sweat it if it's an angry one. A few deep breaths really helps, even if the head (which wants to get angry and rage) says it won't do anything.

I look at those things that annoy me, and think would you rather be in Palestine right now and it becomes less of an issue. This general strategy has worked for me since the Vietnam War era.

practice.

you have to intentionally practice.

metta is one exercise.

While reading Epectitus definitely helped (externals - out of your control; reactions - your choice, things don't bother you, you bother yourself), and telling myself that I gain nothing out of anger (mostly lose from it), I ran out of fucks to give. Someone's blocking the way? Just wait until I can pass them. My delivery is running late? Whatever, it'll get there. I left the window open during heavy rain and everything is wet? Close the window and mop it.

In a world where nothing really matters, giving your undying attention to stupid things like these is just absurd. Who's watching your reactions so that you have to put on a show?

But as someone said, it takes practice. Being mindful, present, realizing that you're getting angry, and then consciously thinking "ah whatever" and accepting it. Difficult at first, but as with any skill, the more you do it, the easier it gets.

I allow myself to feel the rage. Every bit of it, for a count of three, then I have to stop. Because now it's time to take action. And proper action requires a calm response. I used to try to breathe and relax but that usually just left me fuming for an hour. Instead I just get unfathomably angry for 2 seconds then move on. I don't know how healthy it is but it works for me. Sort of the emotional equivalent of yelling out an expletive.

Buddha said, when you're angry, count to ten. When you're still angry, count another ten.

Seriously though, most of the time getting mad isn't worth it. It makes you look bad, makes you inefficient and at the same time makes you and other people feel bad. It's overall, if we are thinking logically, a negative condition/ situation to be in. Getting angry/ mad brings nothing to the table.

Try to think like this, every time you're about to get mad: is getting mad brings anything? Would it change the situation? Can the things already happened be undone? Do I have other choices other than accepting it and fixing the situation? What should I do next? Once you can think like that, calmly, I am sure that you can stop getting mad.

The problem is, most of the time/ very often, you're not even aware that you're angry/ getting angry, and you let your emotions take control of you. That's why you have to train yourself to be aware of your thoughts/ feelings most of the time, and in that way you can react accordingly, consciously, doing what would be your best action/ most logical action. Some people can achieve this through practicing meditation. I'm sure, once you are more aware on what and how you feel most of the time, you would be able to control your actions/ emotions much better.

I have noticed my ability to take things in stride definitely goes down when I don’t feel well. I would check in with yourself physically- is there a non-obvious physical ailment that might be putting you on edge? Perhaps there’s pain or headaches that you don’t consciously consider that’s diminishing your ability to deal with stuff. Otherwise I would suggest what others have suggested- looking into whether you might have some level of anxiety disorder. This may mean medication and/or something like cognitive behavioral therapy

Drink more water! Whenever I find myself grumpy, the culprit is usually dehydration... It makes everything harder IMO. Ymmv etc etc anecdata

Being mad sucks. If something bad happens it sucks. If I'm mad about the bad thing that happened then I already got two things that suck. I like to minimize the suck.

A silver lining in having a bunch of mental disorders.

Learning, studying, and embracing Stoicism has really helped me. I find The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday helps keep it top of mind for me. It’s a bit of a pop philosophy book, but it works for me.

I went on anxiety meds. Changed my life

There's a really good book that helped me put my own realizations into more concrete terms.

https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/25898044

And this book literally changed how I view behavior and how to permanently change behavior: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22544758-triggers

Wasn't really allowed to harbor or express anger as a kid. Now I can't summon an ounce of rage, even when it's appropriate and helpful. It's not ideal, so I spend a lot of time meditating, dropping away other emotions in hopes of finding a spark of something in there. Nothing yet, but I've found a number of other useful things in the process.

Mindfulness is a great skill to build to debug issues like this. It's slow, painful sometimes, and doesn't always feel worthwhile, but it's definitely worth taking the time to try meditating to get closer to your base emotions and how they appear.

Worth remembering too that what you're looking for probably isn't a huge shift in thinking, at least in the short term. Incremental progress over time is all it takes. Some people are shades of tightly wound and that's okay. You're who you are for a reason and it's worth being kind to yourself when unhelpful thoughts appear. Not to excuse yourself of behavior you don't want to maintain, but to care for and guide yourself toward a simple step in the right direction.

Im exactly like you only I've learned to recognise and stomp on the reaction.

I still get needlessly pissed about things, to an unreasonable degree. But then I recognise that my reaction is out of proportion to the problem and that wether I stomp on it or not, I'm still going to have the problem the only thing I have control over is if I'm stomping around like an asshole while I fix it.

You just have to take your Ego and set it aside when you catch yourself, you cant defend the reaction because its irrational. So recognise it, stomp on it and then work the problem like a normal person.

Everything that Salman said.

This sounds exactly like me and my partner: a small thing can ruin his day and it ruins my day because then I have to put up with his bad mood. What's helped him was some intense solution-based therapy to address his shitty childhood as well as an awareness that several 'bad' things in a row is just a coincidence and not the world (his family) out to get him.

With our kids, I'm making sure to say 'oh well' and not fix it immediately everytime a mild frustration happens. They see their dad getting upset and have started to copy his behaviours so we're trying to encourage them to just brush things off before they get stuck in the mindset.

I know it's not a good advice, but having something very serious happen in your life might shift your perspective. In my case, getting (through) cancer made me realize it's not worth stressing for stupid little things and greatly deepened my stoicism.

Personally, I think it's about managing expectations. You can blame the dogs, or you could laugh it off and blame yourself for not handling the situation... I find it easier to manage self-blame than to try to suppress my anger at others

Buddhism, meditation, and generally knowing that everything is temporary. Gratitude / "counting your blessings" helps increase general happiness, as it's easy to forget what's going right

Honesty, I can easily picture times where dogs tracking through the house would set off a hair-trigger. But, other times I see the mess and think about how I love dogs. How their "culture" simply doesn't care about muddy floors. My dog wants to play whether it's appropriate or not and I can respect that. So, I'm saying, sometimes I can laugh it off.

Framing a big picture (of happy thoughts) is a strategy that has worked for me.

I also smoke a lot of pot.

I played Overwatch until my mind realigned. Not joking. I was frustrated that running into irrational people in that game would in turn make me irrational. I figured, the opposite should be true too. Rationality should be able to calm and blunt irrationality. And once I realized that, it kind of became an academic exercise to me. I was nice and friendly on purpose and the quality of all my matches went through the roof. Even games that were loses were agreed to be excellent matches by both teams. Which sounds like ridiculous fiction, but it's the truth.

prozac

though i'll be honest, the several months of dialing-in the initial dosage were an absolute hell, but once it starts working... like hot damn, a whole new person. i can't function without it, but everyone reacts differently to SSRIs... so YMMV and it's definitely something to consult a physician about if you're serious.

It's mostly about how mindful I'm being, but it's always about the perspective. Although, I have always been very laid back and easy going - I don't have a problem being the leader but I also don't mind just letting things play their course.

For something like your example - the things that get me the most are say, the towel I'm using to wipe my dogs feet gets caught on every edge imaginable, hanging and tugging. It's frustrating because I am doing something that I expect to be a certain way and I'm meeting resistance over something so simple. I'm just trying to dry the dog, why does this little thing get hooked on everything?

And same, not just the towel for the dog but everything - putting back a wooden spoon and it not going in, repeatedly. Any of that sort of thing will get me. Something about the task supposed to be taking 5 seconds but then taking so much longer, compounded with the fact that like come on it's so simple just get in there! Oh man, when a jacket gets caught as you're taking it off? If I'm already on the verge of a bad mood that ruins me.

For other things though, it just doesn't matter. Like, what does it really matter?? So I went to the store and forgot something. Yeah that does suck. Oh well! Unless it was something absolutely necessary and it was the last opportunity - fuck man, yeah it's unfortunate but I mean... Nothing to be done about it now. Why focus on that? It's funny because I legitimately have gotten more upset about my jacket getting stuck as I take it off than when I forget something at the store. What gives with that? Lol.

I am generally an optimistic, outgoing person who looks for the best in things. That doesn't mean I don't get set back for a few minutes, sometimes half an hour, over something pointless. Another example that happens to me often - you have a project or a plan, you know exactly what you want to do and how to do it. Then you go to look for X, Y, and Z. X is gone, Y is broken/not charged, and Z is there but the other two are fucked so what now?? Then you either have to half-ass it around the jank or give up the plan and do it later, but the motivation hit you 10 minutes ago so now you're just set stuck seething about a project you wanted to do but can't finish.

For me it's all about perspective. When I am most easy going is when I care the least, and when I am able to go with the flow or quickly get over something, it's almost a sort of contentment from nihilism. It's not that "nothing" matters, it's that what matters is that I'm right here right now - what I'm doing is sort of irrelevant? The core details exist and the little ones don't matter.

For example with the dog again, when I come back from a walk in the winter time I know what you mean. The dogs feet are soaked, so are mine. I'm all hot and bundled up with wet socks. My jacket just got stuck as I was taking it off. But man, then I grab that towel and I start rubbing down my dogs legs, she hands me her paw all dainty and pants and then hands me the other one. Licking the air and looking at me. She's just so damn precious that all I can focus on is how cute it is to clean her paws after our walk, with the added benefit that now the entire floor and furniture doesn't get wet/muddy. It's not so much the result of dry cleanliness I'm going for as much as it is living in the moment with her.

Each of these are rooted in plans with expected outcomes, or the results of something else unplanned. If you are able to shift your perspective about these things, that truly can help.

When plans with expected outcomes don't go your way, I find myself looking at whether it was in my control or out of my control, and to what degree if any. Sometimes things are just entirely out of our control. If that's the case, then so what? What could we possibly have done? Absolutely nothing, so why fret?

Sometimes it was something in our control. Well, if it didn't happen and it was a mistake then it's something to learn from and work on. If it wasn't, then whatever still? Most things in life hardly affect us for more than 6 hours, so realistically why let something small affect you for even that long in the first place? If it was in your control then now you've learned how to better navigate it next time.

There's all sorts of things that I could say, I understand and relate to this. Nothing that I'm saying by the way is meant to be negative, I recognize the same things and these are how I am about it.

My partner is very different from me, a cap to a soda could fall and the next 20 minutes are stressful. The disappointment from not getting something expected will last the rest of the day. But the in/out of control still remains true.

My only real "suggestion" among all this, since it's mostly just validation, is that where possible try to set yourself up for success. Make routines that make your life easier - I've started setting a towel down as part of my W.A.L.K. preparation so she walks in that and I fold it round her when we're back.

Follow the 5-5-5 rule, does it take 5 seconds, 5 minutes, or 50 minutes? If it takes 5 seconds to just put the can away, just do it. If it takes 5 seconds to put the dog food away, just do it. If it takes 5 minutes, plan it around another 5 minute task. Give yourself 15 minutes of dedication to something specific, with 45 minutes of room behind it. .

After 15 minutes, you have either finished your task and you can move on, or you have gotten heavily invested into it and you have the next 40 minutes to continue it. And of course if it takes 50 minutes, then you just know it's a weekly task you have for that day.

And remember, if it's something (small) that would get a negative reaction out of you - why? Is the loss of whatever happened really so much of a setback that taking 5-10-30 minutes more time to react to it worthwhile? But I know that it's not just that easy, but it can always help to have reminders.

Think that's about all from me, but I feel you. As a very happy, bubbly, uplifting person I still understand and resonate with this. I hope what I had to say is able to help, but even if not I hope it helps knowing someone else understands exactly what you are talking about and that this is a sliding scale that people exist on.

Oh, by not caring. Apathy is the answer.