Asklemmy

• sexual abuse from my mom at the age of 5

  spoiler

  (She held me down and forced me to watch a homemade porno of my dad getting a bj from a hoooker)

• my friend being murdered in second grade, her dad shot her and her sisters and her grandmother.

• my mom kidnapping me when I was 8 with her friend and then hiding me in her friends trailer for a year and the only time I could leave was to go to church. Eventually people find out as my dad's side of the family was looking for me and lawyers got involved but my mom still managed to get custody of me.

• mom gets mad at me for lying about something miniscule, goes fucking ape shit, picks me up, and body slams me into a picnic table in the back yard and her friend has to come out side and beg her to stop beating me with a towel. That was when I was 8.

• church stuff continues until I'm like 14

• finally get away from church and live with dad until I'm around 16 and I get incredibly sick. I'm living with my dad at this point who refuses to take me to the hospital for an entire week until he finds me on the floor in pain. Turns out I had something called twisted gut and was rushed to ER when we got to the hospital where I had surgery and then spent like two months in the hospital recovering.

• Few months go by and I'm all healed up and doing things with my friends. I come home one day and my dad is getting some photos off a digital camera for me. Then he tells me I could be a model. Then he talks me into posing for what is pretty much borderline cp jailbait shit.

• eventually people find out about the website and cops come to my high school to interrogate me. They recorded me without my permission and asked me to cover for my dad or else I'd have to be put a home cause I wouldn't have any parents to live with. Basically they intimidated me into lying so my dad wouldn't get in trouble for it if I took the blame even though it wasn't my fault.

• word is out at the school and I'm forced to drop out. Lose pretty much all my friends in the process except one who already left for college.

• life continues to be miserable after that until I meet a guy online and convince him to move to Florida and we live together as a couple, unfortunately still with my dad until finally the guy agreed to help me run away. I literally crawled out of my window and we got in a car and drove to a bus station where we took the bus all the way to California where I lived with him for 3 more years.

• that relationship ends because he cheats on me. I move to Portland, OR homeless with no friends and like $500 in my bank account which quickly went away.

• manage to get on my feet by 26/27 but end up dating a really abusive guy who eventually tries to choke me to death on my birthday in 2018. he doesn't succeed because he blacks out during it as he had been drinking heavily, like always.

• a little later find out this guy was cheating on me for most of the relationship and that when I started seeing him, thinking that he was single, he was actually cheating on a different girl with me until he switched over to me and got me to move in.

That.. is pretty much the end of all the truly terrible times in my life? I'm still left with no friends except the one who went to college and I only get to hear from them sometimes as they live on the other side of the country from me still.

Most of my life has been incredibly depressing and traumatizing. I'm not suicidal anymore but I don't really know why I'm even here breathing other than I have a cat now who I consider to be my best friend and I want to take care of him.

edited to add a spoiler for the really insane stuff

• The night I had to put down my cat (he was the best boy).
• Dealing with the aftermath of a family member's suicide.
• The day my twin first moved far away from me.
• The death of my grandmother.
• The time I was hospitalized against my will for a mental health issue.
• The first panic attack I experienced and the subsequent fallout.

All said, I have lived a pretty lucky life and am a successful person (by my account). But even so, life is full of this type of stuff for pretty much everyone. Fun question, OP!

The worst moment in my life was when I quit my band. There was way too much drama. We were all acting like children. I almost lost my best friends over it. It completely killed my passion for music, which never came back (this was over a decade ago).

Our parents were "moderating" the conversation because we were all acting like children. But our parents all sucked at being neutral and that just added to the drama.

Eventually we all swallowed our prides and apologized, and we were all able to admit that we were acting shitty, but so much damage was done.

I’d say, right now.

My Best friend of 35 years recently passed away, I’m facing three simultaneous surgery procedures in my nose (deviated septum, bone spur remove, and FESS) and I’m terrified of this. (Never so much as sprained an ankle in 51 years). And the side effects of the infection from sinusitis is causing serious mental health issues on top of the fact that I already have ASD, bad anxiety/depression and ADHD.

Right now, my life has been an abject horror-filled waking nightmare with no safe place to find hope.

But I’ll get through this.

When my youngest daughter died.

In chronological order:

• Finding out my uncle died suddenly

• Fleeing my childhood home while a wildfire was barrelling down the mountainside towards it

• Having to put my dog down

• A 5 year relationship ending after I had put everything I had into it

Overall I have led a very fortunate, privileged life.

I’m sorry for not wanting to share just now, but there is something else I would like to say.

You are not alone. We all suffer sooner or later (or almost constantly, as some of the replies here show). At the same time, it is very rare for someone to teuly inderstand our suffering, to really grasp what we are going through. That is where self compassion comes in - be your own best friend. There are many online resources for this, or reach out to the mental health community. Self-compassion is such a big deal (amd very different from self-pity!!).

Also, focus on positive things. And I know this can come accross as saying: enjoy the view to a blind person. But start small. What are things you can think of you are greatful for today? A meal, a walk, a friend, pet, even a kind of funny meme or a song that ‘just gets you’. Make it a habit to think about this stuff. What is here right now that is good?

Please take care of yourself OP, ask for help when needed. We all do once in a while. Be kind to yourself and stay stong!

The day I failed US Air Force basic training.

The day I failed out of college.

When I turned 18, my parents stopped intervening in my bad decisions. This led to me neglecting a lot of my basic needs. I also discovered the magic of coffee at this time, which meant I didn't get a lot of sleep.

Here's a short list of some things that happened during this period:

• Realized my spiritual beliefs were provably wrong, then realized how strong the placebo effect is, then realized a bunch of my core memories were provably fake. Cue 6 months of existential crisis where I had no clue what was real and was unsure if I existed
• while in the shower before my 5 am lifeguard shift, I looked down to see a foot in the shower with me. Could not figure out who it belonged to, since I was alone. It also seemed to be reading my mind, since if I thought about wiggling my toes then the mystery foot would wiggle its toes. Reached down to pick up the foot, then realized it was attached to my leg.
• girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me
• While my parents were away on vacation (and I hadn't slept in a while) I saw an alien hovering outside my front door at 3 am
• I regularly saw shadow tentacles reaching out and interacting with people and objects around me (this was caused by caffeine toxicity plus sleep deprivation)
• fell asleep on the lifeguard chair. Thankfully my boss was understanding, but that's where I started to realize I had a problem
• had some suicidal ideation after parents threatened to kick me out
• realized my most reliable friend was a neonazi and a pedophile

I spent the next few years working on myself, and at 21 my prefrontal cortex came in the mail and made everything easier. By 23 i had achieved all my mental health goals. I am now 26, I have a wonderful fiancée, and I am happier day-to-day than I ever have been.

In no order:

• breaking my wrist at the beginning of the year
• dad dying of cancer in 2007
• mom dying from a long-term infection in her spine, while suffering from Alzheimer’s and having no helpful doctors; during the peak of COVID too which made Hospice visits a real hellscape
• my closest aunt dying of cancer when I was still young
• brother dying from a heroin overdose when I was a kid. We got the phone call at 12am one day
• when one of our cats got FIP (essentially covid for cats) and we had to spend $6k for underground meds. He’s cured now but having to give him an injection every single day for 6 months was not good for my mental health

I’ve spent a lot of time in and out of hospitals and 95% of the time was for other people (or pets). Have to say I’m not a fan.

Breaking my shoulder blade in physical therapy while pushing myself extremely hard to recover from a broken neck and back. That's when I had to acknowledge I'm partially disabled, and no amount of pushing was going to change that.

I got much more balanced after, but it is really hard to slow yourself down to match your physical limitations. That was probably my biggest mental challenge to overcome. It took another 2 years before I slept more than 6 hours, most nights were less than 4. I was a dysfunctional zombie for most of 5 years.

OP, I know it is hard, but absolutely any regular physical activity will help tremendously. I struggle to sit or stand for any length of time. Posture is hard on me. It feels like muscles are missing and just failing. I never feel great and usually feel like I can't, but I still ride a bike most days. I was an amateur racer before I got hurt. So I had a major advantage in conditioning. The balance I get from riding gets me though my lows both physically and mentally. It only takes two months of pushing yourself to develop a physical routine before it will flip and just as quickly it will become as hard of a habit to stop. I was very nearly killed on a bike, but I've ridden most days since 2009, and managed to drop and keep off over 150lbs, even in my limited state. Exercise really is the best medicine for almost every situation.

TL;DR You definitely aren't alone. Basically all of the worst moments of my life were in 2022. It broke me mentally and physically.

BUT... I'm a lot better now, and I'm both surprised and elated how quickly the turn around was.

The Long Version
I took a new job at the start of the year, it was supposedly fewer hours for about the same money, that turned out to be very untrue.

I found myself working 60 hours a week regularly, and maxed at 90 one week. They operated and off-in-lieu instead of paid overtime, so the extra just accumulated, but there was never time to use it.

(For those who would say I did it to myself, you're absolutely right, I was so wrapped up in other people's opinions, I never put myself first. This was a key focus of my time with a therapist.)

On top of the never ending stress and 0 work-life boundaries (emails and messages at all hours, all days) there were a few tramatic events (I was mugged, death in the family) and my partner was away for work for a long time so I felt very alone in dealing.

By September 2022, all of my coping strategies were unhealthy, i felt like an anxious powder keg, anything could set off a panic attack and I was sad, deeply sad all the time. I couldn't figure out why we do this, there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

Then, I quit. I wish I could say my partner was supportive, but I don't think they realised how close to the edge I was because they were away so often. I had to insist, and just do it. Months later as I started sharing more they realised.

I spent about 4 months struggling, I thought time off would help, but it wasn't. After a particularly rough (and public) panic attack I made a video doctor appointment.

PTSD, Anxiety, Depression. Having a diagnosis helped a lot. This was real and I didn't need to tough it out.

They put me on a low-dose SSRI and set up CBT (congnative behavioural [talk] therapy). My therapy was over the phone, the only option covered by my wife's insurance. At first, my therapist seemed too eager, too happy, but she adjusted once I started sharing. Talking to someone with an understanding and empathy made such a huge difference right away.

We tackled my need to please everyone, but more importantly the ineffectiveness of "worry". Specifically hypothetical worries, things that haven't happened and might not. We identified my behaviour loops and found small ways to break them, building new core beliefs. Life wasn't always hard. Happiness can be found. I am important.

I finished my last appointment this week. Insurance would have covered 3 more, but her and I both agreed I didn't need it. After 3 months my self identity had completely changed, I am now often time the person talking others (my partner, my mother) down from their worries. I ask for the things I need from other people, I ask for help.

There is still work to be done, adventures to chase and experiences to have. I'm being weaned off the SSRIs and I plan to start work again in the next few months.

This is just my story, everyone's is different. But you are not alone, so many of us have been there and it can get better.

ETA: on the physical side, I've just got my bloodwork back with an all clear. I need to eat better and exercise more, but no lasting damage. My back is still pretty messed up, but the doc says it's just muscular, so I'll do my daily stretching and it should improve with time.

Having to put down a beloved pet.

A three year period in my life that included a divorce, DUI, losing my house, having to give away a dog, and my parents deaths.

TL;DR You're definitely not the only one. I had to drop out of college because of my toxic family and spend 3 years afterwards wafting around with no purpose and no will to live. But I figured things out and am doing much better now. If my dumb ass can pull it off, you can too.

The year I was in college, and the few years after I dropped out. I went to school as a music education major. I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life, and with how active I was in my high school's orchestra program most of my family and teachers really pushed me to pursue a career in music. The idea of trying to survive as a gigging musician was honestly a little terrifying, so I decided to major in music education instead of music performance since being a teacher seemed like the more stable route. Turns out I hate kids. Who woulda thunk it?

I went to college in my hometown, so I stayed home instead of living on campus. I lived with my mom and sister who were both alcoholics with bipolar disorder. Plus, music ed is apparently a pretty busy major. So I would have 12 hours worth of classes and assisting student teachers that I wasn't particularly enjoying, just to come home and break up a fist fight and then (try to) go to sleep in a room with a gaping hole in the ceiling that all of the roaches that infested the walls would enter the rest of the house through.

Needless to say, this environment was not conducive to succeeding in school. I lost my academic scholarship. Previously, that was enough to pay for all of my schooling, but without it I'd have to take out loans every semester just to finish a major that I didn't even know if I wanted to do anymore and there was no way in hell I was doing that. So I dropped out and started working while volunteering with the university symphony, until I got a new job with a new schedule that meant I had to stop playing with them. It was an Amazon fulfillment center. Feel free to google that to see why I only lasted a few weeks. I lost touch with the few friends I made in college, I had a falling out with the closest friend I ever had, I now officially had no purpose in life since I wasn't able to do anything with music, and had no plan for getting myself out of my abusive and toxic home life.

That period was rough, but I eventually made it out of there. Long story short, I was able to do warehouse work until I could move out, I did a 3 month program at a community college to get some IT certifications, and now I make $70k/yr to work from home doing tech support for robots with plans to finally move out of my home town later this year.

I'm not going into details, but you're definitely not the only one. For some people life's horrible, really. Been waking up with panic attacks for most of my life. In the last few weeks I'm waking up with a lot less stress, that's good. I try to keep my focus on what's going well in my life, it doesn't change the past, but helps kindof to live in the present. I don't think about tomorrow

The first-ish middle half of school, also up to the time I moved. I was always put in peoples’ shadows, especially the shadows of relatives or people I hurt at one time. “Why can’t you be more like X”, “you’ll never be like X”, “I don’t like X, and wanna know something, you’re just like X”, etc. no matter what I did or where I was. And they wonder why so many of us cheat on things like school tests, applications, etc. because honor culture isn’t honesty culture.

Hope you feel better soon!

I'm just here to listen to your story? Do you have the ability to check in with a doctor? Often the "easiest" way is to let someone else take care of making an appointment for you. That's the first step. You can make notes of what you would like to Tell your doctor, or simply hand him your notes. Maybe you can try a medication, which can lift you up a little bit and definitely reduce the panic attacks and give you the strength for the next steps. Feel hugged!

The night of July 8 – 9 of this year. I am manic depressive in a fantastic way and the way I felt that night was the worst I have ever been; even the breakdown I had in college, though lasting for a longer period of time because reasons, wasn’t as bad as that was. By the grace of God I made it through. I was almost gibbering mad, and you might strike the “almost” depending on whether text messages and e-mails never sent count.

Then, at about 3:00 in the morning, it was like I went through the five stages of grief in the span of two hours, and then all was calm. Seroquel is a seriously powerful drug. It’s like the mania ran right into Mjölnir.